A Joke is a Joke

Most people who know me know I am a pretty good practical joker and seldom pass up a chance to apply my trade on anyone who is in the wrong place at the wrong time.  What follows is probably one of the biggest practical jokes I have ever pulled.

Late one evening my wife and I had already gone to bed when we heard a loud noise from our kitchen.  I quietly got out of bed and grabbed my 9mm.  I told my wife I would go check it out and to lock the bedroom door behind me.  I proceeded to the kitchen with a flashlight in one hand and a pistol in the other.  I shined my light around the kitchen and caught sight of what looked like a Possum (opossum) duck back in under our sink.  I opened the cabinet door to see a soda can sized hole gnawed where the pipes went through the floor and the skunk was just visible going down the hole which lead under the house and out into the back yard.

I opened the back door and walked out just in time to see the Possum headed across the back yard.  I without giving a second thought shot the possum dead.  As I walked out to inspect my kill my mind had already started working and formulating a plan to get my wife with a good one. I quickly ran back in the house and into our room where I told my wife to get dressed because I needed her help.  Her reply to me was to ask what for.  I told her to just get dressed and ask no questions.  The less she knew the better.  At this point she is giving me that look.  You know the look.  She got dressed and joined me in the living room where I was doing my best to look as worried as possible.

I handed her a trash bag and gloves and told her she would have to help me put the body in the bag.  At that she exclaimed “WHAT BODY”!  my reply was thus…I told her I had encountered someone in our kitchen but they ran into the back yard where I shot them and since they were not in the house I would go to prison if I called the cops.  She was severely unhappy to say the least.  I had to listen to about 15 minutes of a lecture on this not being the right thing to do..I told her I did not care and she was going to help.  We walked out of the back door and I handed her the shovel that we kept leaned up and she asked “what the heck was she supposed to do with that”  I told her we would need to dig a hole for the body.  At this point I am getting the cussing of my life.  Keeping my composure was getting hard.  As we got to the spot I had shot the possum there was a bloody spot on the ground. Upon seeing this my wife decided she would not be a party to helping me hide a body no matter what and threw down the arm load of stuff she was carrying and told me to kiss a certain area.  I stopped her and told her to at least come see if she recognized the guy.  As we walked the few extra steps to where I had tossed the possum she told me she loved me and she would stand by me no matter what and I needed to just call the police and come clean because I did nothing wrong.  I nodded my head in agreement and shined the flashlight on the dead possum.  Upon seeing that all I had done was shoot a possum I got an even bigger cussing than before.  I was laughing so hard I lost my breath and started coughing.  My wife not seeing the hilarity of the moment stormed back inside the house.  I went back inside and enjoyed the rest of the night and a few thereafter on the couch.

Story by Jeff Stewart