Yelps and Free Coffee

THE HUNTING CLUB membership gathered in the large round corner booth of Doreen’s 24 HR Eat Gas Now Café to sip coffee and ready ourselves for turkey season. 

Wrong Willie withdrew a turkey call from his shirt pocket. I watched him place it in his mouth and adjust the device with his tongue. “I wouldn’t blow that thing in here. Doreen’ll have a conniption fit.”

She took that moment to come by with the coffee pot. Doc, Woodrow, and Jerry Wayne joined me in holding up our mugs. We all thanked her, but when Willie didn’t seem inclined to want a refill, she did it anyway.

Unable to properly speak with the turkey call in his mouth, he grinned and nodded. 

A thundercloud rolled across her face. “You lose your manners, Willie?”

Doc couldn’t help it. “Yeah. Your mama’d be ashamed of you for not saying thanks.”

My admiration for Willie’s quick thinking rose when he mumbled around the hard plastic and latex, “Tha lath kup wasth hot. Burn my thonge.”

Her eyes softened. “Aw hon. Sorry about that. Let this cool for a minute, and it’s on the house today.” She saw our expressions. “Just him.” She walked away. “I can barely make ends meet with y’all sitting there all day, drinking…”

A soft turkey call floated across our end of the café, but it didn’t come from Willie. I watched him stiffen in shock as Doc cocked his head like a puppy listening to a new sound. Jerry Wayne leaned forward on the table and laced his fingers while Woodrow’s bearded chin rested on his fist. 

Several other patrons looked around the room to identify the source but resumed eating.

Doreen glanced up from behind the counter. I caught her eye and raised the mug in thanks. She smiled, but lines crossed her forehead before she went into the kitchen. 

Willie spoke around the device. “Who wath tha?”

Doc shrugged. “I really don’t know where it came from.”

Delbert P. Axelrod came inside. His jeans were wet from the thighs down. Instead of joining us in the booth, he pulled out a chair and sat at the table beside us.

“Hi guys.” He glanced down. “My waders have a hole in them.”

I wanted to ask him why he was wearing waders, but the conversation was interrupted when Willie tried the mouth call. Instead of a soft cluck that he intended, a shrill yelp filled the café that immediately went silent. 

A beat passed before Doreen came roaring around the counter. “Which one of you is disturbing my customers with a turkey call? I warned y’all about that last year!”

To a man, we held up our hands to prove our innocence. 

I pointed. “I think it was Delbert’s chair that scraped on the floor.” 

Her head whipped down to his wet pants. “Well, it could have been that. Delbert, why’re you getting my floor wet?”

“There’s a hole in my waders.”

It was a simple, and accurate answer that still hadn’t been answered.

“You get this floor muddy, and you’ll find yourself on the business end of a mop.”

“Yessum.”

“I’ll be back with your coffee.”

A loud turkey yelp made us all jump. It was the best call I’ve ever heard, but the source was unidentifiable. Doreen whirled and frosted the table.

“Not me,” I said.

Jerry Wayne held up both hands. “Innocent.”

Woodrow’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he cleared his throat. “I don’t own a turkey call.”

Doc raised an eyebrow. “It might have been that chair again.”

Suspicious, Doreen looked at the floor, at Delbert, then swept the table. Her attention finally focused on Willie’s still-full mug, and the way his unnatural grin made him look as if he were having a stroke.

“Spit it out.”

He raised an eyebrow in question.

“Spit. It. Out.”

I don’t know how he did it, but he opened his mouth. “Nothing here.”

She deflated and turned back to Delbert. “It must be that chair. Get those wet feet back outside. I hate that sound.”

She was back behind the counter when the loudest turkey yelp I’ve ever heard shocked the entire café into silence once again. Someone at the other end laughed and everyone went back to eating.

Doreen pointed a fork at Delbert. “Out! Now!”

Chastised, he rose. “But I only wanted some coffee and to talk for a few minutes.”

“Come back with dry pants on, then.”

She disappeared into the kitchen as he slipped out the door like a whipped pup. I turned to Willie. “How’d you do that?”

He opened his hand to display the wet call. “That wasn’t me.”

Woodrow frowned. “Then who was it? The sound came from under the table.”

Palms flat on the surface, Doc grinned. “Jerry Wayne?”

“Not me.”

“That was the most perfect turkey yelp I’ve ever heard.” I shook my head in awe.

Doreen returned with a to-go cup of coffee and handed it to Doc. “I feel bad about yelling at Delbert. Would you give this to him?”

“Free coffee?”

She shrugged. “It wasn’t really his fault, and you guys should be nicer to him.”

She froze as the call came again and this time, we located the source. A dad with twin ten-year-old boys were sitting not far away, and both the kids had box calls in their hands.

Doreen softened at the sight and then addressed us. “Y’all are off the hook this time, but don’t let this fool you. I still hate that sound in here.” She paused, looking at Delbert sitting on the tailgate of his truck.

“Coffee’s free today for all y’all. Just. This. Once.”

And that’s how we found out how to get free coffee.

 

Email Reavis Wortham at ContactUs@fishgame.com

 

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